It's Over!

A successful outpatient surgery is a thing of the past and a great excuse to spend the next day just relaxing, reading, planning our trip to Canada. The doctor didn't have to go too deep or wide and there's not much pain today if I don't move around too much, so it's all good. I won't be going to any nude beaches any time soon but that shouldn't affect my lifestyle too much!

I had successfully blocked out of my mind the needle localization, and I'm glad I didn't realize I would have to go through that again. I was appalled when I was ushered into the chamber of horrors and the memories came back. I should have insisted they give me some happy juice before this procedure. This is no ordinary mammogram. This is a mammogram where you remain crushed in position, flattened horizontally then vertically, while the tech grabs the plate and runs out to develop it each time. Then they take some measurements from the picture, insert the needle, and take more pictures which need to be developed to make sure the needle is where it needs to be so that the surgeon knows just where to go. A digital machine would make this procedure so much easier, but apparently its outrageously expensive and not in the budget just now.

During all the waiting periods, I sat facing the corner of the room trapped by the nearly unbearable pressure of the mammogram machine, and it seemed odd to be making small talk with the doctor behind or beside me, out of my line of sight. The anesthesiologist even came in to introduce himself, standing behind me where I couldn't see him! Quite disappointing, because I really love those guys! After the needle was inserted, (OUCH!!!) I looked down and saw that it very thin and flexible, sticking up about six inches with a white flag attached to the end. I had to laugh, and I told the doctor about my dear artistic friend who recently had a large, nasty, but non-malignant tumor removed from her breast. She has some interesting breast artwork on her blog, and I bet she could do something really creative with a flag-topped needle sticking out of a flattened breast! Sadly, no one offered to whip out their cell phone and take a picture of it for me. A great art possibility lost forever. The last and most painful thing was another needle to insert some blue dye. They had the nerve to tell me that some people don't even feel it. I felt every stinging drop!!

We had to be at the hospital at 10:30. Will didn't get to join me in my room until I had gowned up, and when he arrived he was grumbling about his escort pointing out how dark he was. We came prepared with crossword puzzles - we work them very well together, and only had time to do one during the waiting time. At 11:30 I was taken to the mammogram chamber of horrors for an hour, then it was time for the surgery. Last time I woke up laughing uncontrollably, no such luck this time! We were back home a little after 4:00.

Will was kind enough to order pizza for dinner. When he opened the door, I heard the delivery girl say, "Wow, that's quite a tan you have." He replied, "Yeah, my wife doesn't let me come inside very often" She commented on how nice the yard looked. Like he got that tan from working in the yard! Apparently she didn't notice the boat! So if you see Will, make sure you comment on how dark he is or how big his dog's feet are. He just loves hearing both of those things! We spent a relaxing evening watching John Wayne movies from a collection Nick gave to Will for Father's Day. Westerns made in 1935 are funny!

I am very grateful to my friends and family who have supported me with their thoughts and prayers during this time. I also really appreciate all the excellent medical professionals who helped us through this whole ordeal. They inspired confidence and had a sense of humor besides. But after my follow-up doctor appointment on Tuesday, I hope I don't have to see any of them for a very long time!

Soon it will be over....

Hmmm. I want it to be a week from now. Then I will be past the worst of the recovery and eagerly preparing for our vacation to Canada.

Tomorrow is the surgery to take out the remaining atypical ductal hyperplasia. Back in January, a surgeon removed the core but didn't take out four margins that spread to unknown areas. These precancerous cells have a 50 percent chance of turning into cancer, but the surgeon's approach was, "We'll watch it and catch it early if it turns to cancer." I didn't really appreciate that attitude, and neither did two specialists I consulted with who prefer prevention to treatment.

I wanted to wait until all the busyness of the school year was over, and here we are already. I was pretty successful about putting it out of my mind with so many things going on, but the past few days it has been looming large in my mind. Especially because they don't know how deep or how far they will have to go to get it all out. The first surgery left me with a scar but no malformation. Will my good fortune continue?!

The past few days, I keep thinking about my mom and how she must have felt as her surgery approached. She was only 40 years old with 6 children still at home, the youngest barely 4 years old. She had no idea what would result from the lump on her breast before her surgery. She wrote that when she regained consciousness after the surgery, her first thought was, "Did they have to take it?" and feeling the bandages on her chest, realizing that yes, they did, and then praying, "Thy will be done." She had another surgery a few days later to take out the lymph nodes under her arms. The cancer was much more extensive than doctors had first thought. As a mother, I just can't imagine how awful that would be. For some reason, the past few days I think of her and get teary eyed, even though our circumstances aren't remotely similar.

Then last night I got unreasonably upset when I realized Will hadn't watered a flower bed, completely out of proportion to his transgression! But I realized the real problem was that I was feeling a little stressed about my upcoming hospital visit and I need to be careful not to take it out on the people I love! (Then again, he better just watch his step!)

This too shall pass. All around me are hurting people who are grieving lost loved ones or are suffering through health or family problems. It's only reasonable that I should have some small share of trouble. I just need to always remember to say, "Thy will be done" and leave it there.

Risky Evening Walks

Tonight's Facebook post: Amazingly, the gentle precipitation ceased 10 minutes into this evening's jaunt. I boldly faced my fears and overcame Post Traumatic Skunk Disorder (Thank you to Tori Oswald for diagnosing that for me!), even venturing to frequently walk backwards down Skunk Road to keep an eye on the brilliant rainbow that lit up the dark clouds in the east during the entire 45 minute walk! The cloud broke up and the sun was visible in the blue skies to the west. God has promised that it will not rain forever! Glory be!

I started doing Facebook updates after my evening walks on Tuesday with this one:

"When one valiantly overcomes the ennui occasioned by nonstop gray drizzly skies and marches forth on a brisk evening walk in spite of the additional excuse of pain in her feet, it's quite unfair that she receives a blow to her unsuspecting head from a tree branch, unseen due to hood-impaired vision. Quite frightening. Oh well, at least the beauty of the wild roses was glimpsed while peering out from under her hood."

I am considering looking for a Worst Writing Contest because I think that paragraph has potential to win!

Evening Walks are Fraught with Danger!

I thought it was bad getting ambushed by tree branches on last evening's walk, but tonight I was nearly attacked by a skunk. Yes, my legs are still trembling as I share this dreadful encounter.

First of all, that was no drizzle pounding on my hood. But I had to look up and allow my face to get rained on so that I could view the beauty of the rainbow in the dark gray eastern sky, as well as the varying shades of pink clouds as the golden sun sank into the blue skies to the west. I strode much further than I intended, enjoying the beauty of this spectacle in spite of the pattering raindrops. On my way back, I rejoiced as the showers let up slightly...and then I saw it.

An innocent looking little black creature with the tell-tale white stripe down its back, loping along the fence line and frightening the sheep on the other side of the road. Suddenly it veered toward me and ran in the middle of the road just ahead of me. I slowed my steps, and I believe it slowed also. Finally it continued to the side of the road ahead of me, its tail waving menacingly. I became extremely warm and had to unzip my coat. Was I going to throw up? My legs felt weak...I crossed the road, desperate to avoid the threat of eau de skunk. Finally, a long quarter of a mile later, or maybe it was a tenth, but it was a long tenth if that's what it was, the skunk disappeared into the grass of the field. I continued home unscathed. Sort of. But I'm either getting sick or I'm allergic to skunk because I still feel physically shaky! Weird, huh. No, I'm sure it's perfectly normal. And I'm not even going to try to edit this down to fit Facebook's stupid 420 characters for a wall post!

I FOUND IT!

Have you ever put something in a safe place and then forgot where it was? All of us have done that at one time or another, right? It's just the human condition. Perhaps some of us do it more than our fair share, but the rest of you will get middle aged and forgetful some day too.At least I like to think so.

It's embarrassing, but sometimes it takes me a long time to get around to doing things. Especially if it involves home decor and sewing. Just not my gifts. My parents made me a beautiful quilt top many years ago. It rested safely folded in a bag untl November 2005, when mom offered to quilt it for me. I published a blog about it on 11/13/05. They also gave me some green fabric from the quilt that I was going to use for a bedroom window valance and pillows.

Well, the bag containing that fabric languished safely on a shelf in my closet for many years. While cleaning out my closet one day awhile back, I was tired of feeling guilty every time I saw it. I tucked it safely out of sight somewhere. Recently Will built me a window seat in the dormer area of the bedroom. The fabric would be perfect for a cushion all along the seat, as well as some pillows. I decided to use it for that instead of curtains.

I prepared to do this project one weekend...but could I find that fabric? No, indeed. I searched every drawer and high closet space. I searched through boxes stored in the eaves of my bedroom, rummaging through quaint size 10 clothing that I would never wear even when I reach that size again. I searched through the closet in Naked Room 1 (aka NR1), where Will has efficiently stored things in the closet. I looked through the shelves in the closet of the computer room. I looked under my bed, where there are some boxes of important necessities that I never need. Where in the world could it have gone? I worried that I had accidentally put it in a bag of discards and sent it to Goodwill.

Well, yesterday when I tried to open the blinds in the bedroom, (which must be done gently because it's been very delicate for awhile), I just plain broke it. Now it is stuck halfway open, which is not a good thing in a large bedroom window. So I must have that fabric to match to some curtains. I came home today determined to find it.

I examined the closet in NR1 and the computer room again. No luck. Suddenly a thought struck me. What if I possibly had folded it over a hanger and hung it in the back of the closet? I rifled through my rack of clothing. No luck. Then I hunted through Will's rack, and sure enough, way in the back corner, completely hidden behind the suits he never wears any more, was a hanger with the fabric folded over it!

So now I shall take it with me to shop for curtains. (If I'm smart, I'll call my decorating consultant/niece Jody first), then see how badly I can mess up a simple sewing project like covering a big thick piece of foam with fabric. And pillows, how can you mess them up? Unless you want to make them fancier than just two squares of the same fabric. Hmmm. How long will it take me, and how frustrated will I get? It's already been 5 1/2 years, so I guess there's really no big rush!

The really exciting part is that I found the missing fabric! I haven't lost my mind after all!

Easter Traditions

Over 20 years ago as Easter approached, we were talking with some friends and realized none of us had any plans for Easter dinner, so we got together at our house out on Tennessee Road. I have a picture of three-year-old Craig in his little blue shorts, matching bow tie and white shirt next to our friends' son Chad, also dressed in Easter finery. Every year since then, we have alternated getting together at each others homes for Easter dinner. Sometime we didn't all make it, and often we added other friends to the mix. I have pictures of the kids lined up with baskets getting ready for their Easter egg hunt in the various back yards over many years. Easter egg hunts have been history for awhile, and it's been even longer since I got a picture of any of my boys sporting any Easter finery!

This year was my turn to host and I regretfully let the others know that it will be my last time. We spent Easter with family last year, and I would like to be free to do that. So we greatly enjoyed the last of the traditional Easter dinners with our friends the Davies and Yates today. They brought great food and some of their family, and the door will never be closed to any of them if they need a place to go at Easter!

I thought I had a page with Easter pictures through the years in one of the boys scrapbooks, so I got them out and they looked for them. Didn't find any - I must not have got there yet. I know I have a file folder full of them just waiting to be scrapbooked! In the meantime, it was fun to look at the scrapbooks.

So did you notice Eric's new hairstyle? We were a little surprised when he walked through the door. It was getting pretty long and shaggy, so he decided to give himself a mullet for a few days as he transitioned to a shorter haircut.

Unfortunately, he says he has received so much positive feedback that he might keep it a little longer.

Nick's hair sure looks good though, doesn't it?

Hmmm, I suppose with a haircut like that Eric is sure to be greeted with laughter or envious glances wherever he goes. Too bad I gave away my fur vest, he might really like it!

God is Good

Yesterday I learned that I do NOT have the “breast cancer gene”. I almost jumped for joy. With a family history like mine, it’s only natural that I have wondered about the possibility for many years. I remember when I first read that there was a genetic test to show whether you had inherited a mutation that gave you a very high probability of getting breast cancer. I didn’t think it was a test I would ever do, but recent circumstances caused it to happen.

My mother discovered a lump on her breast when she was 40 years old and soon had a mastectomy on her left side. She never fully regained her health, and was diagnosed with bone cancer a few years later. She went on to her heavenly reward soon after her 45th birthday. A few years ago, my older sister had breast cancer that was caught early and removed with a lumpectomy. So it seemed quite likely to me that breast cancer could possibly be in my future. But, as I noticed on a walk the other day, as long as the sun is shining high in the sky, I can easily ignore all the dark clouds on the horizon! I didn’t spend much time worrying about cancer, but I couldn’t help but occasionally notice that dark cloud and wonder what would happen if it ever moved in.

I started having yearly mammograms at age 40, and now at the ripe old age of 52, three out of my last four mammograms have had abnormalities that necessitated further testing. I dread mammograms. I even kept "forgetting" to schedule the last one because I found it easier to ignore it than deal with it. Will this one be the time that cancer is discovered? Well, what I don’t know won’t hurt me, right? Ridiculous and immature, I know! Fortunately my husband’s strong encouragement made me schedule the appointment!

Here’s the short version of what happened since the mammogram in December…”We are scheduling a needle biopsy as soon as possible because we do not like this suspicious area!” (Needle biopsies are almost as bad as the dentist…and that’s the second time I’ve had one.)…Biopsy results are “atypical ductal hyperplasia” aka precancerous cells….Referred to a surgeon…must get the bad cells out because there is 50% chance they will turn into cancer. Must biopsy the whole thing….Wake up laughing uncontrollably after the outpatient surgery and can’t stop laughing. ”The doctor must be a comedian.” (NOT!) Good times….Results: no malignancy…Didn’t like follow up appointment with surgeon who did not take out all the bad cells because “fingers” spread out from the core. ”But don’t worry, we’ll montor and catch it early if it turns cancerous” Goodbye Dr…Referred to a breast surgeon specialist who recommended genetic testing (BRCA1 and BRCA2)…Referred to oncologist for genetic counseling. She is so happy to see someone without cancer and believes preventing is much preferable to treating. Too bad her nurse couldn’t find a vein to draw blood and finally had to take it from my hand (oops too many details).

So here we are finally in April and I finally got the great phone call yesterday that I do NOT have the genetic mutation. But the doc is still concerned about the bad cells that were left behind and recommends another consultation with the breast surgeon specialist. So it’s not over yet.

I remember my mother commenting how we don’t appreciate our good health until we lose it. Because of her, I have always been very thankful that God has blessed me with the gift of excellent health. Over the past four months as I waited for the results of each step and thought about how life would change with a cancer diagnosis, God’s peace that passes understanding was with me. Anxiety about the future cannot take hold when I look back on my past – more than 52 years of God’s love and faithfulness sustaining me. All the hard things that have happened in my life have given me a solid basis for knowing that God is in control. Those hard things so far have not included much physical suffering or illness for myself, my husband or children. That can change at any moment, but I have no doubt I can trust God and rest in His limitless, unfathomable love and kindness. I was constantly reminded of this as well because on January 9 through April 7, I was reading the Bible through in 90 days in a schedule promoted by our church. Spending that much time in God's Word is a great way to keep focused on Him!

I have also been doing some research about cancer prevention. Although I've read and heard it before, it really hit home that the most important ways to reduce my cancer risk are eating right, maintaining a healthy weight, and exercising regularly. I tend to go in spurts on all those things. I love to eat and am not very disciplined. My feet hurt and I hate walking when it’s cold or wet. I have finally quit telling myself, “It’s ok to go ahead and indulge today. I’ll do better tomorrow.” Tomorrow is here and it’s time to stop making excuses! I dare not ask God to continue to bless me with good health if I refuse to use the common sense He gave me and do my part!

It is a joy to share each day (even the rainy ones) with all my beloved friends and family in this beautiful world that God created. There is even more joy in anticipating eternal life in the presence of God in a world with no more pain or tears! God is good.