Ode to Canada

A special posting by guest columnist, Steve Troyer, (host of the first Troyer family reunion at his home near Fort St. John, BC) nephew of LeAnn, who wishes to make it very clear that posting this does not imply agreement or endorsement of the opinions and viewpoints expressed herein by this fascinating up and coming writer (who surprisingly is known by the younger generation as “Crazy Uncle Steve”).

Ever since the humiliating defeat of 1812, the thought of attempting an invasion of Canada has struck fear in the heart of those brave and free citizens “south of the border”. But that all changed last week when they came by land and air under the cover of record-breaking rain storms. Some blended into civilian society and boarded commercial airlines, landing in the far isolated north and travelling south in borrowed vehicles. Others chose the unsuspecting modes of wheel vehicles - some rented, some Japanese, and one brave soul even succeeded in navigating one of the Federal Government’s bailed-out, bankrupt and still inferior GMC trucks all the way here. They set up camp on the soggy fields of suspicious relatives on the east side of Fort St. John. They stayed tuned to Fox News, where the blathering wind of hyper right-wingers including O’Reilly and Shepherd failed to pick up on the progress or intent of the northern invasion, focusing instead on the astute negotiations of the unemployable in Washington attempting to resolve the mysteries of debt and default.

Perhaps this was the deeper purpose for this trip to the North. How can it be that these Canadians with a military hardly large enough to defend Charlie Lake have managed to defend themselves against the ravages of the Great Recession? How did they make their dollar, barely worth sixty cents of the mighty greenback just a few years ago, surge past the deeply loved American currency, even with a value undefendable at its current devalued state? Perhaps there is a secret in the wildlife.
With deer hiding behind every other tree, moose on every corner and bear filling the in-between, surely it is this livestock of the Queen that accounts for the wealth of this foreign land. Or perhaps the fresh clean air provides for fresher freer thoughts – thoughts uncontaminated by the ultra-polarized commentators of political thought. Perhaps all the hot air from these talkers - along with the politicians that feed their mindless ramblings - is the true contributor of global climate change. How else do you explain the ever increasing tornados and extreme storms in what once was a “no spin zone”. And why do these storms always seem to occur in that southeast corner of the nation with the highest concentration of politicians?

But never let it be said they learned nothing from their friendly neighbors to the north. What can they learn from the strength of the great nation to their north to resolve the helpless pandering and hand wringing in America today? Perhaps it could be this simple.

First, they should ask us to come and lead their country. Bring our strong Canadian dollar, cheap oil and gas, and stable civil government. Let them share in our jobs, fresh water, clean air and cheap land. All the unemployed politicians could get jobs driving vacuum trucks in the oilfields, hauling sewage instead of just creating it. Think of the fresh ideas and perspectives they could gain by a few years of physical labour, where their future pensions depended on their current performance more than the continued lending of the Chinese! Let’s just see if they would share their national leadership, headed by the fair Queen herself!

Secondly, turn their military into something useful like a pipeline crew to build stuff instead of blow stuff up. We could build enough pipelines and bridges to get all that clean water and cheap oil down there and all the unemployed people up here. Win – Win!

And lastly, let’s help O’Reilly get a job. What could he do that was productive, once we have done away with the underperforming politicians and replaced them with those Canadian leaders, who are rather dull but just get things done without much of a story. Perhaps he could work at a McDonalds drive through window – at least no one expects what comes through the little black speaker box to make sense. Or maybe we could send him to do a mosquito census where he could spend some time in nature doing something worthwhile that would actually benefit society. All those folks listening in a trance to his conspiracy theories and other idle talk, would then have time to go an do productive things which would reduce unemployment, raise GDP, strengthen the currency and solve the rest of their problems. All just by learning from their Canadian neighbors and letting them help!

Quit snubbing that great and successful country to the north! Let it lead you out of your malaise! Give us some credit – its owed to Canada!